This Is a happy story, and a sad story. It’s a story about a new beginning, and an end that came far too soon. This is a story about the baby boy I’m carrying, and his twin; the baby we lost.
Let me back up. I was technically never even supposed to be able to have babies. After a Breast Cancer diagnosis at age 26 and undergoing 6 rounds of toxic chemo, I was told so by multiple fertility specialists. Don’t even waste your money on IVF, they said. Your eggs are depleted.
So naturally I said F you, and begged to try clomid (an over the counter fertility drug that forces ovulation). It worked. I got pregnant with my perfect baby boy Hart the second month! A fluke, they said. One in a million! So when Kenny and I decided to try for baby #2, we started early. We were fully prepared for a negative outcome, and were expecting a long haul at the least.
…and then, I got pregnant the second month. Again. (Thank you, clomid!) Two under two, here we come! Only at our (early) 6 week ultrasound, we got a little surprise. Twins! THREE under two, here we come???
When we first saw that second sack, we were in disbelief, and also pretty skeptical. The second baby (Baby B) was tracking a little behind the first; since it was so early, this meant it didn’t have a detectable heartbeat yet – or it also could have meant that little heart never beat at all. I’m going to be 100% honest – in that moment, part of me was hoping for the latter. THREE under two??? There is always an increased chance of conceiving multiples when taking fertility drugs. We knew this. But we didn’t think it would happen to us! Then my Dr. told me about vanishing twin syndrome. That it’s very common to lose a baby so early on, and that most of the time, it’s not even detected because most women don’t have an ultrasound until later in the first trimester. I was told to come back at 8 weeks to confirm that Baby B had in fact vanished. Part of me was sad; part of me was relieved.
Slowly but surely (and VERY nauseous in between….) 8 weeks finally rolled around. To everyone’s surprise, Baby B had grown significantly, and had a heartbeat. THREE UNDER TWO. It was real. I was pregnant with TWINS.
I sobbed in the car for about 45 minutes. Out of happiness, out of fear. Out of relief, out of disbelief. I cried and cried thinking of how hard life was going to be, and how amazing it was going to be. We started talking about cars and carseats and names and cribs… double everything? Then I got excited. Double everything! We were having twins! We told our family and friends and started picturing our life as a family of 5.
So when we went in at 10 weeks to check on our babies’ growth, we were completely devastated to learn that our little Baby B hadn’t made it. I can’t even begin to describe how haunting it is to see one thriving, squirming baby on the ultrasound screen next to a lifeless one. I can’t explain the agonizing heartbreak of having to lie there while the technician spends what seems like hours taking measurements of your dead baby. And I can’t express the guilt that pangs at you everytime you feel any sort of joy or excitement for your surviving baby.
Needless to say – the past few months have been some of the hardest of my life (and I’ve gone through some pretty tough things). When you lose a twin so early, it doesn’t actually go anywhere – your body absorbs it slowly throughout your pregnancy. I’ve had to walk around carrying this heartbreak inside of me, and everyday I’ve had to worry about Baby A – the baby that remains. My baby boy. (He is 100% fine, by the way!)
I couldn’t fathom the thought of announcing our new baby as if nothing happened, as if it were normal. And to be honest, it’s taken me awhile to feel excited and confident about this pregnancy. (Something that – again – has caused me a great amount of guilt). But time has a way of helping us heal. Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant, and happy. I’ll never forget about the baby we lost, but I’m ready to fully embrace the joy of this pregnancy, and the new addition to our family.
I feel my baby boy move inside of me and somehow, I know. This is how it was supposed to be all along. I’m not sure why we are given the tests we are in life, but I do know that they change us for the better, if we let them.
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